So, I decide to start posting again because I had a really rough year and I wanted to share with you how I dealt with the pain of betrayal and how I grew from it all. Well, maybe I have, but there is much that still needs healing.
Yesterday a friend called and began taking about what happened, and before you knew it, I began my downward spiral. Those old feelings of hurt and sadness came gushing back and before I knew it, I was angry…..yet again! I took some time to vent, wallowed a while and then tried to distract myself.
I woke up this morning and began to think again. This is NOT who I want to be. I do not want to be angry because that baggage weighs me down. When Jesus said to pray for those who persecute us, He meant that for OUR healing. I want to be free of all of this. I want to let it go, but I realize that it’s a process….and it takes time.
Yesterday I veered off the track of forgiveness, healing and freedom. Today I get back on….
Who knows, maybe these setbacks are all part of the journey, there to keep us humble. I CAN do this….but not alone. Holy Spirit, fill my heart!
I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have given this advice to people. The problem was…..I didn’t take it myself!
I am a helper, a fixer, and at times, that translates to an enabler.
Until recently, I had a narcissist in my life. I am normally not one to label or put people in boxes, but sometimes the description of a term fits so well that you have to go there. (I’m really trying to not use those platitudes like…..if the shoe fits….)
This person, who shall remain nameless, was always taunting, “How could they do this to me?,” “Why does this happen to me?,” and the famous “I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!” (Don’t you just hate people who are perpetual victims????? More about that later) And I was always there, consoling with ‘You can’t take it personally, it’s their problem not yours, you can’t control what others say or do…..’
I became the villain that did something or said something. And then, my eyes were opened! I walked away from this person and it has been a year of deep reflection and analysis to realize what happened in the nine years we worked together. And this past year has been difficult but pure grace! Forgive me one platitude…..
It’s been quite a year…so many changes! Life has taken me in a direction that I would have never planned. Funny how that works, huh? My life hasn’t gone the way I planned! But in the course of many disappointments, sorrows, and betrayals, and pain, I have grown and learned and I now recognize that I am on a path to freedom.
So, welcome back to anyone who is kind enough to still read my blog. Over the course of my next posts I will share some of my new-found freedom. I will try not to overuse platitudes such as ‘when one door closes….’ but there is wisdom in sayings that have lasted through the ages.
Sometimes it does take a hammer to jolt you out of a situation where you are dying inside. And…it often takes a very long time to realize that it is good, all good. They say, ‘freedom comes at a cost’ (another platitude) – it did for me. And so, as I continue meandering towards freedom, I hope you will come along.
The amazing thing is…..these flowers would have blossomed whether or not I snapped this photo. The beauty that we see in nature is there, whether we are present to look at it or not. It makes me wonder ‘why?’ There is no doubt that God gives us this loveliness for us to enjoy it. Who is not lifted up by an amazing sunset or a blooming garden?
But there is much beauty in the world that exists whether or not we lay eyes on it. Think about the wildflowers that bloom on the mountaintops, or the glorious blooms of the rainforest. Perhaps they exist for God’s very own pleasure. Perhaps they have such beauty inside that they can’t contain it. They burst forth with the energy of love.
It makes me think about my actions and the motives behind them. How often do I want to be acknowledged for the good I do, the beauty I share. Did anyone notice? Did you see? I did a really good thing here……
“No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light…. ” Luke 8:16
If I am living my ‘true self,’ then my light has to shine, whether people notice or not. Just as the flower has to bloom because of the beauty within the bud, I have to love because of the Divine who dwells within me.
“…do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, … ” Matt 6:3
My prayer is that I can let my light shine, even when no one is around to see it.
Just another gentle teaching from nature….